Before The Divorce

February 8, 2006 (WLS) -- Even when their relationship has turned bad, some parents may believe it's important to stay married for the sake of the children. But a new study suggests they may be doing more harm than good.

Petra Ehlert was 11 when her parents' relationship seemed to fall apart.

"It went from normal, small arguments & to chaos," says Petra, now 17.

And that went on for a year, until the divorce was final.

"I felt as if I couldn't really escape from it besides to withdraw," she says.

Studies have often shown divorce can be damaging to a child's mental health.

"For some children, it makes them anxious," says psychologist Betsy Gard, Ph.D. "For some children, it makes them depressed. For some children, it makes them withdrawn. For some children, they act out. & They get angry in response and they will be much more defiant."

But a new study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family found divorce isn't as harmful to a child as a marriage full of fighting.

"It wasn't really so much the divorce," says Petra. "It was the arguing and more than the arguing, it was the mental games."

"So I think if you compare divorce as the event versus conflict as the key factor, you're going to see that conflict is what is the problem for children," says Gard. "Being in families where there's [high conflict] where it goes on and on, that's very detrimental for children."

The key to helping your child, she says, is to stop the fighting. Either through counseling, or if need be, divorce.

"That is better for children than being in a high conflict situation that goes on and on and on. Yes, that's true," says Gard.

Five years since her parents divorced, Petra now does her best to put a good light on that year of misery.

"To me it was almost a good thing, because it allowed me to mature a whole lot in a year," she says. "And it allowed me, like, forced me, to grow up really fast mentally."

Tips for Parents